Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
