i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize