Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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