My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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