His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
