I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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