Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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