last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
