four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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