Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
