those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
