Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
