it hurts more in the daytime
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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