is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
