U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
