dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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