And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.