he wants to bone in the snuggie
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
