fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
