So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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