I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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