So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
