I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
