in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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