DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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