she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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