My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
