note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
