she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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