what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
