What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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