Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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