Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
