i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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