Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
