i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
