Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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