So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
