I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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