So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
