I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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