the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
