Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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