In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm getting married
To pizza
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
