If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
bring money and cleavage
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
