fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hippo gnu deer
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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