I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
