im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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