Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
