He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
