god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
