I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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