Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
