Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
