I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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