I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i came on her dog
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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