you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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