he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
