I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
