How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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