When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I had to cum in my sink.
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