There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
