My sheets look like a crime scene.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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